…or from some other day. I don’t check that can of spam very often to see how much is in there. But, one of the spammy things referred to a post of mine getting linked to getyourexbacktogether.net and notice I’m not going to help them along with this one and generate any hits via my blog. It appears to be some Q&A dating advice/”buy my book!” place.
On that site, is a post from July 12th entitled: Would you try to win your back your ex is it a pointless effort?
I’m going to quote it.
Would you try to win your back your ex is it a pointless effort?
I’m so lonely. I want her to like me, but she’s with some dude. I always get dumped.
The “best” answer to the question was as follows, in full. I shall, as is habit, interject my thoughts about this advice as we go. So we go:
Hey there’ It’s not a pointless effort.
If you decide you want to get back with your ex, you must be ready to face not only what has gone wrong with the relationship, but also your part in the break down of the relationship. If you made mistakes then don’t beat yourself up for that. All of us make them, it’s what you do after the mistake that’s significant.
I don’t think it’s a far cry to think that the following 7 tips are coming from the author of the book he links to at the bottom of the answer here, a link I’m not including. I’m of the opinion that some people should never get back together, no matter how much one side might want it. Reasons why I think that will become obvious.
7 Tips To Get Back With Ex
1. So sit down bother yourself too much with what you see as your ex’s mistakes, leave that for the future. Only concern yourself right now with what you can influence.
The first sentence contains an inexplicable typo that doesn’t help this advice sound…well, sound. I’ll attempt to paraphrase: don’t worry about what she did to screw up this relationship right now. Save that for later when you can really rub it in her face or something. Your most important task is to get smarmy and back into her good graces, whether you truly deserve to be there or not. Or is that too harsh? Ponder it, comment on it.
2. Whichever mistakes you find in your past behavior, can they be forgiven? Don’t be too eager to get down on yourself and believe that your mistakes are basically unforgivable . You would be astonished at the situations that couples find themselves in and that they later recover from. So don’t think that your mistakes are beyond forgiveness. There is always hope!
I can agree with this one. This is what I said in my forgiveness post recently, and the reason for this spam in the first place. It still needs saying, though, that some mistakes are simply too big to work through and it won’t matter how much effort you try to put in, this is ordinary love lapsing here, not extraordinary superhero romances of the television variety that can survive an apocalypse (I’m looking at you, Angel and Buffy).
3. Try and pin point what was happening in your life at the time that led you to make the mistakes, particularly if it was completely out of character for you. Remember what I said about facing hard truths, if you want to get back with an ex, then you have to do this.
Some people really suck at self-reflection and are unable to look at what they’ve done as if through the other person’s eyes. Some people are just incapable of admitting something was their fault at all. This is still good advice, though ultimately it’ll be up to the other person to decide to give you another go. You can’t force it.
Also, if there seems to be a cycle of break-ups and make-ups with this person, maybe that’s a sign of trouble, too. If the make-up part of it can’t even last, why keep repeating the effort? Just tally up your losses and bow out. There’s got to be someone around who can put up with you.
4. You might discover that you were under certain stresses and strains. Perhaps you were under threat at your job? Or you weren’t physically feeling yourself? Or perhaps there were other family matters . Whatever you find when you look back at what happened, you will eventually need to sit down with your ex and explain in detail just what you have found.
Now, it’s useful to assume these are the reasons the relationship flopped. These are often some of the reasons. They’re good explanations for why events occur that we may later regret. But sometimes relationships just fail on account of poor personality connections, or misinterpreted interests when you first met that never got corrected, which has happened to me. Perhaps neither person was completely honest when the time to say “I love you” rolled around. It’s just a suggestion, but saying to yourself “Maybe I’ll learn to love him,” after he’s just confessed his love for you (and you’ve said it back automatically) is probably a good sign this isn’t going to work out in the long run.
5. If your mistakes arose from you just being thoughtless or selfish, then this is something about you and your character that can quite easily be fixed. It will take ongoing monitoring but if you are sincerely committed to getting back with your ex, then it is going to be beneficial.
It’s been argued that a person’s personality is cemented by the age of 24. After that, you are who you are and that’s that. Yeah, you can work around it somewhat and try to be kinder, more courteous, but it takes serious effort to maintain it and at some point, entropy is going come in and set things back to where they started – with you being an inconsiderate turd. If you’re lucky, you’ve got a loved one who understands this about you and ignores that idiocy on behalf of all the other good qualities you bring to the relationship. If you’re like the rest of us, well, no one’s ever said hope is useless…
6. When you have come to the point where you have begun to gain perspective about your mistakes, then call your ex and arrange to meet. It is usually better to arrange a face to face meeting somewhere public and neutral because then there is less chance of either of you becoming emotional.
You hope, anyway. Again, this is sound advice, but some people are just not going to be able to come back together. Maybe you’ve both changed as people. Maybe he’s realized he wasn’t ready for a commitment, maybe she fell in love with someone else that she’s always wanted more than she wanted you. If you’re going to try and arrange one of these meets, be prepared for that. Maybe this “take me back” routine is going to take her by surprise and fall completely flat when she laughs in your face and then calls her new man, “you’ll never guess what just happened!” It’s a risk. But love is always a risk, isn’t it? Maybe she’s come around and agrees things were blown out of proportion and this non-date will help clear the wreckage so you can both start anew. It’s been known to happen. Never to me, mind you, but whatever.
7. So, make sure that you concentrated on what you want to say. Apologize and ask for forgiveness and then listen with great attention to what your ex has to say.
For an article about a book that helped me and many others to get back with their ex, press on the link below: (redacted)
Like I said above, it’s probably the author of the book in the first place offering this somewhat sound advice because he’s looking for interested readers to pay for more of it. The listening is good advice though. This whole “get back with me” rigmarole depends a lot on what the other person has to say. Relationships are not one sided. They are multifaceted living things between two people – and sometimes more.
You need to be willing to give her what she needs, just as you’ve been hoping she’d do for you. If it turns out that she needs you to not bother her anymore, take the very loud hint and go. Do not lurk on the sidelines, getting in the way of the life she’d rather be leading. Just let her lead it and leave her alone.
The end of love bites the bullet, it really does. It’s hard, and messy and painful and makes your friends uncomfortable to be around you as you get more and more depressed and dismal. But clinging to the hope of renewed interest can make it all the more unbearable, the longer the hope goes unfulfilled. At some point you really do have to stop and take stock of what really matters in your life, and where you want to be going with it, because hitting repeat for the 30th play of If The Jukebox Took Teardrops today is really not where you should want to stay.
edit July 17 — on account of the timing of this post and information I received yesterday, I feel I need to reassure some people that I had no people I know in mind as I composed this, except myself. I don’t want those people to assume assumptions of something had anything to do with this post…yeesh, I’d rephrase that but I don’t know how..