I have “people I’ve met.”
It’s in quotation marks because technically I’m quoting Arnold J. Rimmer, a character from Red Dwarf. Rimmer is a hologram due to his body dying in a massive radiation accident on the ship three million years previously (which was his fault in a way). His hologram disk was booted up by the Holly, the ship’s computer, to keep the universe’s biggest slob, the last human in the universe, company. Dave Lister is also the last human the self-absorbed and anal Rimmer would ever want to be stuck with. The other two people on board are Kryten, a mechanoid they picked up who’s obsessed with cleaning, and the vapidly shallow Cat, a being descended from Lister’s pregnant feline who was safely sealed in the hold when the accident happened.
It really has nothing to do with what follows, except that Rimmer and I seem to approach relationships the same way – as incomprehensible mine fields that are too confusing to chart a path through so we don’t bother putting in the effort.
In Rimmer’s case, it’s because he’s a git and a smeghead. In mine, it’s because I’ve always been fine in my own company and tend to crave it if I have a choice. I’ve rarely felt the need to cling to another human being out of sheer loneliness or a simple desire for company.
I find it hard to count the people I’m around as friends. I suppose I am considered one, but what is the definition of friend, anyway? Aside from my bowling and birthday group, and whatever happens to go on with my freethinker group, I don’t really feel close enough to anybody to qualify.
I don’t have a confidant. I don’t feel like I can call any of them up at a moment’s notice to go out for coffee (nor can I say I really want to). I don’t feel like I can just drop in where they live (nor can I say I really want to). I don’t feel like I have the right to ask any of them for favours or help or whatever. I don’t care enough about them to be interested enough to ask what’s going on in their lives and actually listen. And I don’t feel it’s my business to pry or judge or advise them on anything they do or want to do.
I am an odd duck.
Good post. I know all to well how you feel.