I figured Vanity Smurf was, and maybe even Hefty…

Oh, but Christwire isn’t actually freaking out about homosexual smurfs. They’re getting their freak on about how the sultry Smurfette is the only chick in a land of men. (Sic throughout – FYI: homonyms only sound homosexual, dear deer reed readers…)

My dear White Christian American friends, I am hear [sic – here] today to alert the God-fearing American public of yet another subversive attempt of the homo-infested Hollywood to further promote the homo-gay agenda. Homowood is resurrecting this 1980`s television series that was riddled with homogay undertones and, just as horrible, was targeted at none other than CHILDREN! I sputter with indignation to know that children across the country grew up watching this depraved example of Liberal-spewing, fag-loving, drug-use endorcing [sic – “endorsing”] propaganda. I just thank the Lord everyday that I was not a child in the 80`s [sic – 1980s or ’80s] and therefore managed to emerge from the depths of youth without having been brainwashed by this disgusting, evil show that certainly must have been produced by none other than Satan himself.

Well, more than a few things are wrong here. Peyo, a Belgian, invented the Smurfs in 1958. According to Wiki, there used to be a Normal Smurf. Obviously he was unpopular…

I don’t even need to resort to Wiki to clear some other stuff up, though. Storks dropped new Smurfs off once in a blue moon, which doesn’t happen very often. Smurfette was designed magically by Gargamel, who had a real hate on for the little blue dudes. She was sent in to destroy them, a black-haired rabid little monster. But once she got to know her “enemies” she discovered she was on the wrong side of the whole business and through some other kind of magic became blonde and vapid and treasured by all of them for being a one of a kind thing. Sassette was later created by other Smurfs using Gargamel’s method, without realizing at the time how much Smurfette had actually changed. I always like that red headed little hellion for some reason. Sassy!

I don’t recall any drugs being used. They lived in mushrooms and tried to avoid being caught in Gargamel’s ridiculous plans. Brainy would say something annoying, Hefty would strong man his way into situations, and Jokey Smurf would manage to surprise his long suffering pals at least twice per episode. If anyone needed a kick in the ass, it was Jokey. Oh, and then Papa Smurf would solve all their problems while Vanity preened.

What a fun show that was. I miss that show. I found a couple decent quality Smurfs for a dollar at a flea market last year. I still have my other ones, plus a figurine, plus – if you can believe it – a Smurf blanket. No idea where the folks got that, but it’s a treasured possession. Love that blanket.

Well anyway, turns out a Smurf movie might be in the works for 2011.

All of those “little blue men“ running around, living in “mushrooms“ with their suggestively phallic white hats, and shirt-less chests – AND ONLY ONE, SINGLE SMURFETTE IN THE WHOLE GOD-FORSAKEN SHOW!!!!! Sick! Disgusting! Deprived! Shameful! Truthless!

… and the film is to be produced by homogay supporter, Jordan Kerner, producer of such homogay filth as Charlotte`s Web, George of the Jungle, Inspector Gadget, and Fried Green Tomatoes. If his list of credits were not proof enough of Kerner`s allegiance to the homogay agenda, he is also the Dean of a school of filmmaking at a “performing arts“ school that is, in fact, an institution for teaching American college AND high school students that homogayality is ok. This subversive institution is located in America`s own Holyland, the South, and goes by the name of “The University of North Carolina School of the Arts.“ The fact that the homogays would dare to infiltrate America`s Holyland brings a shiver of disgust to my bowls.

Christwire does the very same thing to me. Is this site for real, or for mocking people who’d really think this way?

About 1minionsopinion

Canadian Atheist Basically ordinary Library employee Avid book lover Ditto for movies Wanna-be writer Procrastinator
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6 Responses to I figured Vanity Smurf was, and maybe even Hefty…

  1. Luke says:

    A shiver of disgust to his “bowls.” Genius.

  2. 1minionsopinion says:

    Oh, I missed a sic. I was trying get them all and I missed that one. Blast! Thanks for noticing!

  3. dorian says:

    after reading this sic study of yours, i had to go to christwire to see if it’s for real or not.
    well, i still can’t decide if it should be a poster site for hate mongering fundies or truly a brilliant parody.
    i can’t imagine something like it being real real, so i opt for the parody.

  4. princessxxx says:

    haha, christians don’t know how to spell.

  5. Dr. Jim says:

    I’m sure it is a complete parody!

  6. 1minionsopinion says:

    But do all their readers know that?

Comments are closed.