You know what I need? A round Tuit.

Ever heard of those? It’s for people who have a hard time committing to following through on things. All those people that say “I’ll do it when I get around to it,” really ought to check out this site that sells round tuits, although I guess you’d have to get around to telling someone else to get it for you because you’d never get a round tuit on your own, would ya?

Even better is this history of tuits with beautiful medallions being offered.

What the hell am I even leading up to, you ask. Last year, way back around Giftsmastime, I was at home in Dial Up Land and found an interesting article I couldn’t write about at the time. Now I have the time and, what’s more, the inclination. It was all about a popular children’s rhyme and how it may have actually been a hate crime to be singing and acting it out. You read that right. Hokey Pokey could be a hate crime.

according to the Catholic Church and some Scottish politicians, singing the popular tune that begins with the words “You put your right hand in, your right hand out,” may constitute an act of religious hatred.

A spokesman for the leader of the church in Scotland said the song had disturbing origins.

Critics claim that Puritans composed the song in the 18th century in an attempt to mock the actions and language of priests leading the Latin mass.

Now politicians have urged police to arrest anyone using the song to “taunt” Catholics under legislation designed to prevent incitement to religious hatred.

I wonder how that went. Since I never heard of mass panic in playgrounds, I guess it went the way of the dodo.

Supporters of Rangers FC have been banned from singing anti-Catholic songs at Ibrox stadium to taunt their rivals Celtic, a club with Catholic roots.

But fans of the club are said to be discussing on internet forums the possibility of getting round the ban by singing the Hokey Cokey at next week’s Old Firm derby between the clubs.

Peter Kearney, a spokesman for Cardinal Keith O’Brien, said:

“This song does have quite disturbing origins. Although apparently innocuous, it was devised as an attack on and a parody of the Catholic mass.

Or it’s about cheap and inferior ice cream and a song invented in 1942.

“If there are moves to restore its more malevolent meaning then consideration should perhaps be given to its wider use.”

According to the church, the song’s title derives from the words “hocus pocus”.

That idea has made the rounds, but Wiki credits Canadian soldiers in WWII for providing Jimmy Kennedy with the inspiration for what later became his Hokey Cokey hit.

Jimmy Kennedy Jr. quoted his father’s writing:

“They were having a hilarious time, singing and playing games, one of which they said was a Canadian children’s game called The Cokey Cokey. I thought to myself, wouldn’t that be fun as a dance to cheer people up! So when I got back to my hotel, I wrote a chorus based on the feet and hand movements the Canadians had used, with a few adaptations. A few days later, I wrote additional lyrics to it but kept the title, Cokey Cokey, and, as everybody knows, it became a big hit.”

According to Kennedy Jr., his father told him “the unusual title was to do with drugs [cocaine] taken by the miners in Canada to cheer themselves up in the harsh environment where they were prospecting.”

That’s even better than 17th century Puritans. It took some hunting to find the National Post’s response to this business, but it’s unclear if they’re reporting on what Wiki has, or if they’re Wiki’s source. Around and around, eh? I can’t find any sites explaining how many prospectors O.D.’d before scurvy got them or anything, but hey. It’s still one hell of a story.

People would rather take offense than do research first. A hoax is just good enough to be believed by one person who tells a few others and soon it’s as real as lemon sorbet. Mmm..sorbet…