The One Minion Search Party, volume 21

I’m selecting this odd numbered entry to highlight a few of the one-offs, the strange searches that inexplicably led to me; a nod to those daring people who hunt for the most elusive answers of all. I can’t guarantee they’ll find any here, but keep trying and good hunting, all of you.

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Who’s on first? Whoever searched for “funny old roman comics”

Emperor Nero could have been a stand up comedian. “Oh, what a great night, ladies and gentlemen, I’m on fire! No, wait.. you are!!! bhwwhwhwhahahahahha!!!”

“You say I played the fiddle, the night Rome burned. Lyre.”

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What’s on second? “wardrobe theft” apparently.

I gotta Google that myself now.

Interesting.

A wardrobe is an accessible room in a safehouse in both Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and Grand Theft Auto IV that allows the player to change the protagonist’s clothing.

I presume it’s to elude the police, right? Not just because players of the game want to see CG dudes with their kit off?

And someone made off with some of Victoria Beckham’s wardrobe back in 2007. Judging by the photo provided on site, it’s clear the perpetrator must’ve been nuts.

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I dunno’s on third, somebody desperate for information on a “satanic eyeball parasite”

I don’t know if they’re looking to buy one, or sell one. Was there a specific parasite in mind here? The Loa loa seems like the one most fun to contemplate.

Humans are the only known host of adult Loa loa. They typically live in subcutaneous tissue. But they also breed like bunnies, pumping out thousands of tiny threadlike larvae that ride through the bloodstream on a daily basis. At night, they collect inside lung tissue. During the day, they move out to the veins under the skin and wait on the off chance that they’ll get sucked out by their second host – a biting fly.

Once the larvae are inside the fly, they bore through its gut tissue, migrate to its muscles, molt a couple of times, then finally move into the fly’s proboscis. They wait for the fly to bite someone else, and crawl into the wound. New host!

It takes the larvae about 6 months to become adults. But they can live inside human tissues for 15 to 17 years.

Awesome.

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Someone’s trying to justify their dark desires with a little music – “lyrics ‘you can stone your wife’ ”

Oh, that might be related to Prop 8, the Musical, which “starred” Jack Black as Jesus. I didn’t bother checking that out. I don’t really like Jack Black and I pretty much said the same thing when I wrote about this before. The only show I liked him in was High Fidelity because he was less obnoxious but still funny and likable.

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“can a man make a cow pregant?” “can a man make a cow pregnant?”

Worried?

Must have been. He asked twice.

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Okay, that wraps up this round. I’ll save up a few more and do this again sometime.

Quotable Buffylove

Felt like sharing a Buffy quote:

Anya: Well, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like…whoa. I’m eleven hundred years old; I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans.

Tara: I go online sometimes, but everyone’s spelling is really bad, and it’s depressing.

heh.

From “I Was Made to Love You”

Love that one.

Bulwer-Lytton results are in

Next year I should enter that. Not like I’d win, but hell, it’d be a fun creative experiment just the same.

Go giggle now at this year’s strangest, longest, funniest sentences that never graced the first page of a best seller.

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Edit: Just gotta add my favourite –

In a flurry of flame and fur, fangs and wicker, thus ended the world’s first and only hot air baboon ride.
Tony Alfieri
Los Angeles, CA

Awesome!

15 books in 15 minutes

Meme instructions:
Don’t take too long to think about it: Fifteen books you’ve read that will always stick with you.
First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes.

1. Ender’s game by Orson Scott Card – story just struck me as a good one, the whole series is thought provoking.

2. Go Jump in the Pool by Gordon Korman. Back in grade 7, my teacher, who I didn’t like that much, suggested I try Korman’s Bruno and Boots series. I didn’t then, but in grade 8, a kid did a book report on another one of his books, which I did wind up reading, and eventually read almost all of them. That teacher I didn’t really like was right after all.

3. Outlander by Diana Gabaldon – escapism at its finest. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve read it.

4. Gravity by Tess Gerritsen – my copy has a sticker on it “soon to be a motion picture” but it never got done. Good story anyway. You can see my “stick with” list isn’t very educational. heh.

5. A Doll for Francis by ?? — Liked this one because Francis was ingenious with her creativity and wound up making a doll that was very unusual. Maybe she couldn’t afford a real one? It’s been a while.

6. Magic Elizabeth by Norma Kassirer — found it in grade 3 or so, in our classroom book carousel and read it several times. Lost track of it for years, even forgot the title after a while. All I could remember was a clavichord, a doll, and beaded curtains. But, one flea market I walked by a box and there it was, same scholastic cover and everything. Still a great story about a girl who finds an old doll, has a “back-in-time-dream-or-is-it” experience that winds up in her better understanding her great aunt.

7. Jane-Emily by ?? — grade 7 book selection. Have always wanted to find a copy of this. Something supernatural goes on, focused on a glass garden ball. Was completely mesmerized by it as a kid.

8. The Forgotten Door by Alexander Key – Boy from another dimension drops into ours, figures out a mystery before he can be punished for something he didn’t do. Fabulous story, though. Read it bunches of times.

9. Mine for Keeps by Jean Little – a physically disabled girl goes to normal school for the very first time and although she’s nervous about it, she makes friends and winds up getting a dog that she can care for and raise by herself, which helps her gain confidence about what she’s capable of. Good one.

10. House of Stairs by William Sleator — could pick anything by him actually. In this one, a group of kids wind up taken for a strange behavioural experiment, Skinner, Pavlov style.. a couple kids start to fight whatever weird ass programming the people running this thing want and eventually all of them get rescued, but nobody’s really the way they were anymore.

11. The Root Cellar by Janet Lunn — girl winds up going back in time to the days of the Civil War, makes a few friends, tries to get home somehow. Should read that one again, actually.

12. Tunnel through Time by Lester Del Rey — boy finds out his father and a fellow scientist have figured out how to go back in time but the scientist gets lost when they first try it. The boy and his dad wind up going after him. A rollicking adventure in 160 pages.

13. Stardancers by Spider and Jeanne Robinson — a dancer dreams of taking her skill to the stars, as zero-G is the only way she’ll make her statement. Just so happens that while she’s learning how to express herself that way, an alien entity is also getting interested in her progress and she finds a way to communicate with them that eventually changes everything for humanity.

14. The Boy who Reversed Himself by William Sleator – girl finds out classmate can get to another dimension above ours. Insists on learning how to do it herself, drags the boy she likes into a fourth dimensional horror story that only the original classmate can get her out of. Guess who she winds up with.

15. Singularity by William Sleator – twin boys who don’t get along that well find out about a cabin where time kind of acts weird, and something might be trying to get through from another dimension, or the other side of a black hole. The twin who gets picked on the most decides he’d be better off if he was the older one and stays in the cabin overnight – a year in cabin time – just because his brother threatened to do it and wanted to do it first. Bizarre, but intriguing.

Okay, that’s 15 and I think it took longer than 15 minutes. Ah well.

I’m supposed to tag 14 friends or something but instead, if you read this and want to try it, link back to me. Thanks.

Best lucky find in the whole of today

Make the Bible Work for You by Reverend Hellenback (with David Johnston). OmiFSM, this is one funny book.

I’ll quote the blurb on the back:

Feeling guilty for telling your vegetarian sister-in-law that the ground beef in the lasagna was textured soy protein? Don’t! It so happens that this is just the type of white lie the Bible condones. “But he said unto them, I have meat to eat that ye know not of.” (John 4:32)

Worried that your neighbors judge your exuberant bedroom antics? Worry not! Clearly the Bible exhorts you to worship vocally: “Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee.” (Psalms 38:9)

It’s the book for everyone “who is tired of being scolded by finger-wagging televangelist who follow their sermons with cocaine binges and motel trysts. If you’ve ever wondered how they got away with it, this book is for you.”

Requested to borrow? Yes, my my, yes. The desire to take it home tonight rather than follow proper channels is an urge I’m fighting. But maybe there’s a bible verse that covers approval of minor theft as well. Let’s have a look…

Okay, apparently that’s still a sin, but taking a penny when you don’t give one back isn’t, according to Matthew 22:19 (”Shew me the tribute money. And they brought unto him a penny.”) Since you’re under no legal obligation to leave a penny, you can take one.

Money laundering is also okay because of 1 Timothy 3:3: “Not greedy of filthy lucre.” which, very loosely translated, implies clean money is preferred, so by all means send that stuff to some other country for a little washing up. After all,

If the Lord wanted thee in a minimum-security prison and for the United States government to have the money, he would not have created Switzerland, where money changers are happy to handle all of thy laundering needs.

I guess regular bible readers could take this and use it to jump start real bible verse studies, as one reviewer seems to imply. But for the rest of us, it can stand as a dose of hilarity about a book all too many people take seriously.

Library LOLs

As a library worker, I’ve had my share of conversations like this one…

Library patron: *hands me a DVD* “Why don’t you have the first season of this?”

Me: “We probably do, let me check…” *looks it up* “…yes, we do have it. It’s out on loan right now but I can reserve it for you.”

Library patron: “On loan? What do you mean?”

Me: “Someone borrowed it.”

Library patron: “Borrowed it? I don’t understand.”

Me: “They took it home.”

Library patron: “Oh. Why?”

Me: “They wanted to watch it?”

Library patron: “When are they bringing it back?”

Me: “Well, it’s due back on the 20th.”

Library patron: “Yes, but when are they bringing it back?”

Me: “I… don’t know.”

Library patron: “DVDs are overnight. They should bring it back tomorrow.”

Me: “No, DVDs are loaned for three weeks, same as books.”

Library patron: “Three weeks?! I’ve been watching them the day I take them and returning them the next day! No one told me it wasn’t an overnight loan!”

Me: “So… shall I put a reserve on this?”

Library patron: “Yes, I’ll pick it up tomorrow.”

Me: “…”

I love Not Always Right.

In the mood for a music meme?

Probably lots around like it but hey, for every decade you’ve been breathing, list five songs that you’ve loved. Pass it on if you feel like it…

0-9

The Meow Mix jingle
Best of Friends from The Fox and the Hound
Bette Davis’ Eyes as done by the Chipmunks
Anything by the Smurfs
Purple People Eater by Sheb Wooley

10-19

Puttin’ on the Ritz – Taco
Boy from NYC (Cool Cool Kitty) – Manhattan Transfer
Walk Like an Egyptian – Bangles
Don’t Answer Me – Alan Parsons Project
Lovers in a Dangerous Time – Barenaked Ladies (still like theirs better than Bruce Cockburn’s version)

20-29

Walking in Memphis – Marc Cohn
Home for a Rest – Spirit of the West
All I Wanna Do – Sheryl Crow
All That She Wants – Ace of Base
Wake up Boo – Boo Radleys

30-39

Hang on Little Tomato – Pink Martini
Kiss of Fire – Georgia Gibbs
When I Think of You – Prozzak
Moi…Loilita – Alizee
Leave my Kitten Alone – Little Willy John

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Not that easy to pick just five…

Religion 101 Final Exam

It’s at Ebon Musings if anyone wants to give it a go. P.Z. Myers failed it and I expect I will, too…

I’ve been stumbled upon

Better than being tripped over, I guess.

Hopefully some of them will wander back to see what else there is here…

Morality quiz

Your morality is 15% in line with that of the bible.

 

Damn you heathen! Your book learnin’ has done warped your mind. You shall not be invited next time I sacrifice a goat.

Do You Have Biblical Morals?
Take More Quizzes

Well, that was a fun few minutes. I’m surprised at the score, actually. I thought it’d be lower. Ah well. H/T to Salad is Slaughter for the link to that.