A friend and I keep thinking we should have a Christian movie night

We never wind up arranging one because, as you know, there are so many better things to do than watch craptacular pro-god propaganda pieces. Watch paint dry, pick dead skin off elbows…

Harmless is a mockumentary about a box of possessed porn.

(via io9)

I’ll confess I never actually got through the trailer. It has an amateurish feel with wooden dialogue (and stupid “plot”) and did not grip me in the slightest. I don’t think we would want to torture ourselves by sitting through the full version.

The one true god has finally made an appearance

It’s Ganesh. Minus a couple arms, but it’s definitely Ganesh and Oakville, Ontario police are perplexed as to why he’s appeared unannounced in the parking lot of the local museum. It’s a 500 pound marble statue and turned up on the property April 3rd. No one’s stepped up to claim it and no reports were filed about a theft. It must be a miracle!

“We have good information, given the size of it, it would be taken from a temple area as opposed to a home,” Sergeant Dave Cross said Tuesday after police issued a news release requesting the public’s assistance in tracking down the statue’s owner.

After arriving on scene, police had to enlist the assistance of Oakville’s road and works department to move the heavy statue, which was eventually transported to the Halton police property bureau.

The museum itself caters to settlers’ artifacts from the 1900s. Cute as he is, he doesn’t really fit the theme they’re going for. Police have asked for help from the Hindu population in the surrounding area to find out if they can find the statue a better home. Hope they’ll have some luck with that.

Another final resting place for Jesus found: in a tortilla

Yep. I believe this is true more than I believe the tomb story written about earlier.

David Sandoval says he was about to chow down on Ash Wednesday dinner last week when he saw Jesus in one of his mom’s hand-baked tortillas.

“I passed it to my mom, and she said, ‘oh my god,’” said Sandoval.

What made the find even more astonishing was that it was the first day of Lent.

He went and posted the picture on Facebook, and comments started flooding in.

“Everybody has been able to see it. They agree, and they’re calling it a miracle.”

Yes, of course they would. Astonishing.

Hardly.

I’ve showed off my french toast Gandalf before. If this tortilla somehow proves Jesus was real, my french toast proves Gandalf was real. Praise J.R.R. Tolkien for revealing the truth!

Grr, Argh, Technology…

My home internet connection had a malfunction yesterday so I’ve had to drag my computer down to the library in order to take advantage of their free wi-fi. Luckily I went with a laptop when I chose a new computer last year, otherwise this would have been quite a tricky endeavor.

Would you consider this a pro-creationist dinosaur game?

I would. (edit Feb 12/2012 laugh and a half: read the first comment.) Regular readers know I never do game reviews but I felt like remarking on this one. The game’s called Dino Panic and it’s from GodSeeD Studios, a company so new it hasn’t got much of a website yet nor does it have many Facebook followers. 82 at the time of writing. There they advertise themselves as, “GodSeeD Studios.Delivering Godlike fun web gaming experience!” (edit Feb 12: this is no longer accurate) Well, grammar is hard for some and fun is relative, but I thought I’d try playing it anyway. It’s hosted on a number of sites but I originally found it via OneMoreLevel.com, my work day getaway.

From the get go, I can see what I’m in for: a game misrepresenting history and science. Flintstones aside, humans and dinosaur did not co-exist. Dinosaurs kicked it over 65 million years ago and the first hominids appeared at least 20 million years later. Already reading too much into it? Yes and no. It depends on what kind of history lessons the kids get beyond the game. Are they destined to grow up believing people had dinosaurs for pets? Do their parents believe that? But anyway, the fun begins.

We’re introduced to the characters through a series of storytelling panels. A “red dragon” has killed the man who was supposed to marry a woman from a neighbouring tribe and now it’s up to our hero Barog to finish the ritual and keep his people from going extinct. What a responsibility to throw on someone’s shoulders. It’s all up to you boy… Barog is given the task of finding the wedding gift the groom dropped where he died, a stone necklace. The game itself starts once Barog has that ritual relic and bumps into the dinosaur that will chase him for the duration of play. As for other obstacles to avoid, our hero must leap over rocks, logs, tar pits, other pits and also slide under floating rocks. Why? I check the tutorial:

Things don’t have to make sense here, clearly. Lodestones are naturally occurring magnetized minerals, but as far as I know, they don’t defy gravity with their existence. They aren’t magical nor proof of God’s existence. (Other theory: that line’s merely a reference to Insane Clown Posse) Barog is controlled with the keyboard and to add another level of difficulty (or to give one’s little sibling a role to play in this?) Barog’s pet pteranodon is also maneuverable by mouse. Fly him around the game screen to collect the floating gems. Not being a skilled gamer, I found myself ignoring Tora Pteranodon’s position on screen.

It’s not like he’s flying into anything that will damage him, whereas Barog faces possible doom every few seconds. Tar slows him down and everything else makes him trip or fall to his death. Tora can carry him if you time the jump right and hold the left mouse key down. This becomes an important skill to master once the game gets further along and Barog can’t leap pits in a single bound anymore. That’s as far as I got. When it comes to multitasking, some of us are shittier than others.

It’s a beautiful looking game, though. The cartoon quality of it is very nice and pretty to look at. No expense spared as far as that goes. I guess play would get easier with more practice, too.

Honestly, I find myself craving a less sophisticated, yet more “realistic” game experience, available in the form of Dino Run. The giant asteroid has broken up in the atmosphere (presumably) and burning chunks of rocky death are landing everywhere. It’s up to you to help the little dinosaur escape the fate of his brethren.

Fail

Delayed fail

Run like hell. Leap over slower dinos, duck into caverns. Hitch rides with pterodons, grab your energy snacks and save as many eggs as you can. If you survive from level to level your egg collecting and snack eating earn you points that can be used to boost your speed and other abilities. I’m not sure how many times I failed before I discovered that. And then I failed again and had to start over with a new little dino to save… Poor little dinos…

Astrological sign linked to jail time

S’truth! More Aries are in jail than Libras, apparently, but Libras are running second (and Virgos a close third) in what has to be one of the oddest behavioural surveys I’ve seen. It was done by police in Chatham-Kent, Ontario:

“You can’t really read too much into it,” says Const. Michael Pearce, a police spokesman, who used an Excell spreadsheet to classify the data. “I don’t comment too much on the Zodiac stuff because I don’t want any backlash about it. I am not drawing any conclusions about it.”

Still, Georgia Nicols, who writes the National Post’s horoscope, said that the results in Chatham-Kent make some sense.

“Aries is the sign of the warrior,” said Ms. Nicols, speaking from her home on Bowan Island, off the coast of Vancouver. “Aries rules the military. Aries jump in head first, and love adventure. A lot of people in the newsroom are Aries.”

Sagittarius stays out of the crime stats, she suggests, because “They don’t get caught. They are smooth. They can talk anybody into anything.”

Sure, believe a horoscope writer over a police officer. That’s useful.

Reminds me of something I heard on an old Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe podcast, but I forget which one. Apparently in Japan some businesses were taking applicants based on star sign. There was another place doing something similar, but I forget where it was. Curse my brain.

There are scientific studies that seem to point to season/month of birth mattering for certain things but again, my brain is crashing when thinking of examples. I’ll have to look for some when I have more time to deal with it properly.

Anne Massey, an astrologer in Surrey, B.C., has seen statistics suggesting that Cancers are most likely to be arrested, whereas the most law-abiding signs are Capricorn and Scorpio. She puts little stock in any of this, noting, “I really don’t think the sun sign has anything to do with it because astrology is far more complex than that.”

Dr. Anthony Doob, a professor of criminology at the University of Toronto, said, “I have no idea whether people born at particular times of the year are more likely to be arrested than anyone else. You would have to look at whether there is some consistency across time. My guess is that that, just from listening to the radio, there is not a whole lot going on anywhere, so someone produced this data.”

Const. Pearce, who produced the data, concedes, “Next year the list could be completely different unless we arrest the same people.”

Of all the things people want to put their faith in…

Old news — well, not news, but Jesus on a sock at least

Or rather, wrinkles on a sock that the owner thought resembled Jesus. Obviously the media had to be told all about it, with a picture to prove it’s a miracle vision.

From the Daily Mail article:

It is reminiscent of one of Christianity’s most significant relics.

But unlike the Turin shroud, this image of Jesus’ face was found on a sock among items of laundry in Kent.

And it’s a wrinkle easily shaken out, not an image painted on a piece of cloth by hucksters aiming to fleece a populace.

Sarah Crane, from Orpington, was stunned when she hung her laundry out to dry and discovered the face of Jesus staring back at her from a crumpled sock.

Miss Crane was so impressed by the clarity of the face she even built a shrine to the sock.

No offense, Miss Crane, but really? I hope that’s a bit of a joke and you’re merely pretending this is actually an important discovery. I can’t tell if the other picture presented in the article is a reenactment of her reaction to the “miracle”, or if she truly marvels over the way the fabric crinkled when it was hung to dry.

“I immediately took some pictures to show our family and friends – they all thought it was hilarious.

‘We think it’s a bit of a sign – but for what we don’t know.’

It’s a bit of a sign all right, a sign of a person desperate for a bit of media attention. No wonder she contacted the Daily Mail. I get the impression they’ll print anything, no matter how daft.

Miss Crane said she began making a shrine to the sock, but when she moved it, some of its delicate creases fell away and the image is now not as clear.

‘But you can still just about make out his face,’ she said.

Never occurred to her to buy some spray starch first, I guess. That would have set the fabric long enough for her to get it framed in a shadowbox…

‘Unfortunately, it’s not quite good enough to donate to our local church, but our friends have all been round to see it.’

Again I say, I really hope she’s joking about that. This is fun to make fun of, but I know there are people who take these kinds of “signs” seriously and if she’s not careful, she’ll wind up with pareidolia-believing tourists invading her yard, intent on getting a glimpse of the new fabric Jesus. Wouldn’t they be disappointed over such a ruse?

From the amusing news pile

A Florida teenager who called 911 last week asked police to place her in a Christian children’s shelter because she “heard her mother having sex.”

Why? She felt “disrespected” by it.

The mother explained to police that she had invited her boyfriend over and “sometime during the visit, her daughter heard them having sex and became upset.” The woman added that “their bedrooms are next to each other and she didn’t intend to wake her daughter up.”

After speaking with a representative from the shelter, the teen decided that she did not want to leave her home because “it was almost time for school.”

The family admitted no sexual abuse was going on in the household but I gather that for a 15 year old, hearing one’s mother have sex might almost count as psychological abuse. Nobody wants to picture their parents’ sex life…

Virgin Mary? I think it looks like the aura around a…

penis actually. But check out the picture yourself and see what you think.

According to the article:

An Ybor City restaurant’s name has taken on a new meaning after some say the image of the Virgin Mary appeared on one of its walls.

The restaurant is Hamburger Mary’s and the image first got attention over the weekend after some customers noted its appearance on a stainless steel plate on the wall near the kitchen.

“From certain angles it does look like the Virgin Mary,” says acting manager Melanie Todd. “I never have noticed it myself, before [this weekend].”

This isn’t the first time the Blessed Virgin has appeared on an inanimate object in Tampa Bay. For several years an image said to be her adorned the glass windows of a Clearwater office building. Vandals destroyed the several of the windows in 2004.

Todd says the image at the restaurant — known for its gay karaoke and drag queen bingo nights — reminds her of that earlier appearance in Clearwater. “Everybody is curious to see it,” she says. “It’s a true image, it really is.”

A true image insofar as the pattern is truly there on the wall, not a photograph doctored after the fact. But truly the Virgin Mary? Poppycock.

Old news: God’s memoir faces censorship

David Javerbaum, the former executive producer for a program I’ve never watched, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, wrote a satirical memoir of God’s life and has run into a bit of trouble selling it. I know. Inconceivable. The Last Testament: a Memoir by God is the title. New York Magazine interviewed Javerbaum back in November and I’ll quote a few responses he had to their questions:

The Last Testament will not be on sale at Walmart, Target, or any of the other “big box” chains. My editor at Simon & Schuster and Jon Karp, the publisher, were surprised, but I suspected that if they wouldn’t stock America: The Book, they wouldn’t stock this one, either. Although these stores seem to have no qualms about selling piles of God’s two previous works.

I’m not sure what the definition of blasphemy is, but I know I’m guilty of it. There’s nothing in there that isn’t a joke or not based on something that’s true. God ran the manuscript by Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad, and he worked with them before handing it in to make sure all three felt equally offended.

I did spend a fair amount of prep time reading the Old and New Testaments and the Koran. As someone not of that faith, I found the Koran’s style to be very repetitive. The New Testament is pretty good reading, and the main character is a very likable figure. And as a Jew, having grown up with the Old Testament — that’s just comedy gold.

Toronto’s paper, The Star, ran a piece about this book not long after, which is the article I’d run across first.

The satirical tome, written in God’s voice, is structured as chapter and verse. It presents a God that is by turns ironic, petulant, omniscient, playful, vengeful, boastful, bumbling, omnipotent and, more often than not, recklessly hilarious.

“The biggest joke is just that God would bother to do this,” says Javerbaum. “That God would use his last testament to make really cheap, ad hominem jokes about people like Andy Dick and Kate Gosselin.”

He also remarks on the fact that Simon & Schuster UK flat-out refused to publish it.

“The entire country of England is not carrying the book because Simon & Shuster UK refuses to publish it on the grounds that it is too inflammatory,” says Javerbaum. “I’m trying to make a bigger stink of this. It’s a stink that I think ought to be made.”

Argue on the grounds of age-appropriate content to keep certain books out of the hands of young children (the original bible comes to mind here) but when it comes to grown-ups pitching a hissy: nobody’s going to make you read it. Be offended because it exists if you want but remember that other people who recognize a joke when they see one should be allowed to enjoy it at leisure.

Javerbaum readily admits that he didn’t pick on Islam very much while writing. There was a doctored photo he’d planned to put in but agreed to omit it when his publisher asked. He’d planned to mock some architecture in what sounds like a very funny way – funny to anyone not Muslim, that is.

The section on Islam (the “Koranicles”) points out, more than once, the absence of any “Danish cartoons of the prophet Muhammad” in the book. God also indemnifies Simon & Schuster from all possible “outrage, fatwa, or all-out jihad.” But compared to what is written elsewhere about Christianity, Hinduism or Buddhism, this section seemed relatively safe.

“That’s partly because I don’t want to get killed,” says Javerbaum. “And it’s partly because I have to write about things that my projected audience will know about. My projected audience doesn’t know much about Islam, they really don’t.”

Javerbaum has at least read the Koran. As quoted above, he found it “repetitive.”

It’s a pity it’s a religion that can’t be mocked as vocally as the rest but the believers who take it seriously are willing to dole out serious retribution for any slight or slur, sometimes to the point of attacking those who have little or no connection to the original offender. It does make it difficult for anyone who wants to point out what seems ludicrous or behind the times.

It’s a pity stores would try to keep the book out of the hands of the people, and it’s weird to me that S&S UK would try to avoid publishing it completely fearing some future criticism – lots of which they are getting now anyway. At least the lot of us now live in a culture steeped in the notion of a global community. This ultimately renders such tactics moot. Those who want it can have it. Now that I know the book exists, I want to have it. At least, I want my library to have it, which is why I’ve put in a request. They don’t have to buy everything people ask for, but they don’t tend to turn requests down very often. Not sure when I’ll have it in my eager little hands but hopefully I’ll get the thing read and feel like writing about it. I know I’ve been bad about not reporting on the books getting read over here. I’d promise to do better on this end but I wouldn’t want to set up too many high expectations…