Romance is dead, long live Romance

I’m taking a thought from Thinkers’ Podium for this one.

Reading through Bruce’s post got me thinking about my own Sturm und Drang.

I really think I’m better off flying solo. Yeah, it gets a bit lonely sometimes, but I’ve always been a person who enjoys solitude and often crave it if I have to be around large groups of people for an extended time. I’ve never needed someone in order to feel complete, a la Jerry Maguire. That’s a movie I detest.

I have a very poor track record when it comes to attractions and distractions. I don’t know if it stems from a low opinion of my own self-worth, or if I select very incompatible people out of a subconscious desire for self-flagellation. I’m reluctant to analyze it further.

I’ll say this, though – there’s a reason they call it a “crush.” I’m capable of intense feelings for people who don’t know I exist and I’m always reluctant to inform them of my existence, preferring to secretly dream of being noticed. On the flip, I know I’ve crushed a few dreams by not realizing I was liked, or not liking the person who liked me. Didn’t stop me from living with one of them for a year though…

This one time in university, I was with friends in the TV room and there was another girl there who was dating someone that lived at the dorm. I have no idea what show we might have been watching, but I do recall that it prompted this girl to say, “You don’t know what love is until you’re in the arms of someone who’s obsessed with you.” We all jumped on that one, trying to tell her that jealousy is not love and obsession leads to possession and sometimes abuse and on and on we argued our points. A few weeks later, we found out that her guy decided to dump her on Valentine’s day. Why? Seemed like a good day to do it, he said.

Yikes.

Part of me likes the romance angle of the wine & dine, but I’m far too practical to expect it or insist upon it. Part of me also wishes I lived in a different time – like 1962:

I took a ride on a shoot-the-chute
That girl I sat beside was awful cute
And after while she was holdin’ hands with me

My heart was flyin’ up like a rocket ship
Down like a roller coaster
Back like a loop-the-loop
And around like a merry-go-round

We ate and ate at a hot dog stand
We danced around to a rockin’ band
And when I could, I gave that girl a hug
In the tunnel of love

You’ll never know how great a kiss can feel
When you stop at the top of a Ferris wheel
When I fell in love down at Palisades Park

This was my dream of romance growing up. It really was. Getting charmed by a cute boy one night who’d walk me home and hold my hand. This song coloured my perception of romantic relationships for years. Deep down, maybe every girl longs to be woo’d.

Love is a game I don’t seem to have have any understanding of, save for when I see it on television. I could take all my cues from romantic movies but life doesn’t work like a movie. For one thing, every line is scripted to be just right for the moment and effect, which never happens IRL. I’d come across a book once where the author condemned the existence of John Cusack because his ability to characterize the obsessively lovelorn has ruined many a real attempt at love, including that author’s, whoever it was.

Bruce admits to admiring Meg Ryan and I have to agree on that. I didn’t care for When Harry Met Sally but I certainly enjoyed Sleepless in Seattle when I was younger. Now, I have to admit I feel more empathy for Bill Pullman’s character. He got totally shafted by his fiance’s sudden fickleness. Sweet as it was for Meg and Tom to find each other, Walter was the one kicked off the bed like an unwanted dog and no longer good enough for her love. Although he was cavalier about letting her go and take a risk with this stranger, I’m sure he considered visiting a therapist afterward to work through his feelings of abandonment.

The other day, I read an article from Freethought Today about the origins of marriage and how much power women have lost since religiously motivated patriarchy has gained dominance. I also read something recently that suggested love is a terrible basis for a marriage, but I neglected to bookmark that one, sadly.

I think the logic behind that sentiment was based around how many relationships lose their lustre. It’s an interesting angle, that it’s not enough to be love’s bitch and man enough to admit it. The romance and adoration phase often fades and people wake up one morning to discover they have no idea why they ever married their spouses. The belief that people need love as the foundation for marriage might be flawed. Perhaps people were better off when marriages were made for additional reasons like economic security and family ties. Desire for those things never goes away.

John Lennon wrote, “All you need is love” and while I think love is a good thing, I also know it’s not the only thing that’s important. So is trust and respect and honesty. Love doesn’t always lead to those things and love doesn’t always depend on those things for its power to control hearts and minds. But, I like the idea of love. I like the idea of marrying for love. I like the idea of being wanted and cherished for who I am more than for what’s in my bank account.

I like to dream it’ll happen but I’m not going to put life on hold while I wait for a dream like that to come true. I’m far too practical.