All in all, I think it’s good to pace myself when it comes to reviewing books. Quick mention — I have no intention of actually reading the book called Shocked by the Bible by Joe Kovacs because the articles written about it at World Net Daily have produced enough blog fodder as it is. A complete list of shockers is at the book’s website. You can either buy the book yourself or do what I’ve been doing and hunt around on-line for free answers. I love free.
Here’s the short list provided by World Net Daily that I promised to look into:
Did you know …
* God ran lotteries
* Nagging wives are mentioned in Scripture
* Women’s breasts are celebrated in the Bible
* There’s a character in the Bible called a “dumb ass”
* Underwear didn’t disintegrate despite 40 years of heavy use
* The worst case of hemorrhoids in history is recorded
Let’s see if I can find the relevant verses.
The lottery thing is giving me trouble from the get-go. I can find verses that denounce the drive to be wealthy, or at least the desire to get rich quick, like Proverbs 13:11 which states, “Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it.” Be careful at the craps tables next time you’re in Vegas.
A Google search for “bible verses winning” nets me sites about soul-winning, which I’ve never heard of. It appears to be a different way to explain witnessing to people. Convince someone to convert and you win their soul for God. Seems more like a carnival game than a lottery, though, and a rigged game, to boot. I think I’ll take a zero for my score on that. (Although it’s amusing to think of the Devil as a carnie…)
Moving to nagging wives. Proverbs 21:9 reads, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” Same chapter, 10 verses later, “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.”
Think the author felt a little henpecked? Better to seek some quiet place than start smacking her around though. There’s also a lot in the bible about the proper role of a wife – namely shut up and let your husband do your thinking for you. 1 Peter is interesting, too:
1 Likewise, you wives should be subordinate to your husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by their wives’ conduct
2 when they observe your reverent and chaste behavior.
3 Your adornment should not be an external one: braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, or dressing in fine clothes,
4 but rather the hidden character of the heart, expressed in the imperishable beauty of a gentle and calm disposition, which is precious in the sight of God.
5 For this is also how the holy women who hoped in God once used to adorn themselves and were subordinate to their husbands;
6 thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him “lord.” You are her children when you do what is good and fear no intimidation.
7 Likewise, you husbands should live with your wives in understanding, showing honor to the weaker female sex, since we are joint heirs of the gift of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
But apparently understanding why a wife is annoyed about something isn’t worthwhile. Leave the kitchen and hide in the attic so you can’t hear how she talks about you…
More about women in the big book now, is it a book filled with boobs? It’s certainly got its share of vulgarity and obscene behaviour. Nobody who wants to be a good person should be looking to the bible for ideas on how to behave based on those verses. Yeeck. But, yes, breasts get a mention in the Proverbs but before I get to that specific verse, I want to quote the ones before it:
15 Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.
16 Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares?
17 Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.
18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
Okay, am I weird by thinking the fountain and well can mean more than just a hole in the ground where water comes from? What on earth would water and one’s wife have in common to be in the same line?! Fountain! Hur hur hur…
Next bit’s the boobie bit:
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.
20 Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?
Why be comparing women to wildlife? I don’t know what to make of that, save for the fact that deer are pretty quiet and you hardly know they’re there unless you startle one.
There’s also some lusty goings on in Song of Solomon. Beautiful imagery of love in there. Very nice. Especially chapter four. And seven. I wouldn’t know what to make of a man who spoke like this:
7 Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
8 I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.” May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples,
9 and your mouth like the best wine.
Well, I’m finally shocked. I didn’t realize Song of Solomon was so beautiful and romantic and sexy. Fabulous. Simply fabulous. It’s so unlike the rest of the books that got included. I don’t think I’d ever read the whole thing before. I feel like such a dumbass.
Not to be confused with the dumb ass of the bible, which I did find in 2 Peter 2:16 – but few versions still phrase it that way. Some have traded “dumb ass” for “mute donkey” which is accurate, but half the fun.
The underwear thing’s turning out to be hilarious. I found a story in Jeremiah 13 that’s a hoot. Maybe this God had a sense of humour after all. God tells Jerry to go buy some linen underwear, put it on but not get it wet. Jerry, being a proper kind of god-fearing servant does what’s asked of him. Then God tells him, okay, thanks for that, now take them off and stuff them into the rocks by the river. Jerry doesn’t think this is at all weird, so he follows God’s word again. Later, God tells him to get his underpants but now they’re ruined and unwearable.
8 Then the word of the LORD came to me: 9 “This is what the LORD says: Just like this I will ruin the great pride of both Judah and Jerusalem. 10 These evil people, who refuse to listen to Me, who walk in the stubbornness of their own hearts, and who have followed other gods to serve and worship—they will be like this underwear, of no use whatsoever. 11 Just as underwear clings to one’s waist, so I fastened the whole house of Israel and of Judah to Me”
That’s the world’s biggest fucked up analogy.
And while you’re all laughing at it, I’ll quietly move to the next topic even though I haven’t proved that any underwear lasted 40 years.
Where are the hemorrhoids? (besides in the obvious places)
Young’s Literal Translation of 1 Samuel 5:6 – “And the hand of Jehovah is heavy on the Ashdodites, and He maketh them desolate, and smiteth them with emerods, Ashdod and its borders.” Emerods is an early spelling of said affliction. PositiveAtheism calls it “The Wackiest Story in the Bible” and that just might be right.
The bible might be wrong about God sending hemorrhoids or tumours or boils (depends on the version) as punishment, though.
The major theological debate waged over the 1 Samuel 4-6 passage is whether the condition described is that of hemorrhoids or tumors associated with Bubonic Plague. Some scholars feel the reference to the mice in the account suggests the latter, since the plague was known to be spread, at least in part, by fleas on mice and rats in ancient times. Indeed, the mouse was often the symbol among primitive peoples of pestilence. “The narrative furnishes a good untechnical description of bubonic plague, a dreaded affliction of antiquity” (International Standard Bible Encyclopedia, vol. 4, p. 929). “Modern versions agree that the affliction of 1 Samuel was tumors, probably associated with bubonic plague” (Holman Bible Dictionary, p. 635). Other scholars feel this is assuming too much of a connection between the mice and tumors.
In a land where infection and disease was not readily understood, a dose of plague would certainly look like God’s wrath, especially as it spread from town to town. Even now, some people have a tendency to attribute disease to God’s displeasure. I’m sure they know that germs and other microscopic critters are the actual causes but if you caught it, then God must have a reason to hurt you, you fucking sinner. You’re totally going to hell when you die of Aids…
So that concludes the informative and somewhat amusing finale to my Shocked by the Bible series.
Some time ago, I mentioned a book I was waiting to get from the library called Counterknowledge: how we surrendered to conspiracy theories, quack medicine, bogus science, and fake history and I’m pleased to announce that it arrived for me yesterday. That’ll be the next enjoyable trip through the Land of Learning.
